Puberty was a fairly painless experience until 14 when two round lumps emerged on my chest and grew at an alarmingly fast pace. In a year I went from an A cup to DD. By 16 I was wearing custom made 28FF bras and wondering who I had wronged in a past life. 10 years later, I'm two sizes up and let's just say I know my way around a big pair of tits.
They Are Your Worst Enemy
Big boobs have a habit of getting in the way and generally causing a scene. Round a corner too fast and your tits will knock everything off your desk. You will be trying on a top in Zara and your boobs will somehow get stuck. They will transform a basic white tee into a cleavage revealing crop top. It is not a good time.
Bra Shopping Can and Will Reduce To Your Tears
Bra shopping is the worst. First there's the hassle of finding a store that actually stocks your size. Then you have to get measured because chances are your size will differ in this store than the last store you were in. Be sure to bring snacks because you will be spending the next couple of hours trying on and rejecting a million bras. Tears of frustration will be shed. If you are lucky, you will find one that actually fits. If you are really lucky, it won't cut off your circulation or look like a hand me down from your nan.
Sagging is Real
Big breasts will sag because gravity...duh! If you are one of the big boobed minority that have boobs that sit under your chin without any assistance, then well done. The rest of us will sag and I say accept the sag with grace. Firming creams are bullshit and I'd rather have tits to my knees than sleep in a bra.
Breasts are Natures Pocket
Magic boob pockets are a real thing. Those with larger bosoms know this to be true. You put nothing in there but at the end of day when you take your bra off, all sorts of wonders come tumbling out. Mostly crumbs, the occasional button and sometimes even pennies.
Babies Love Your Boobs
I am not good with kids but babies have always been drawn to me. I always thought it might be down to some dormant maternal instinct. I was wrong, it's not me they want it's the boobs. Babies will be drawn to your boobs like moths to a boob shaped flame. They'll want to snuggle up to those bad boys because boobs = food.
Strapless Bras are a Bad Joke
Whoever came up with strapless bras for DD+ cup sizes was obviously having a laugh. I remember getting a strapless bra and thinking finally I can wear boob tubes! It was the 90's, boob tubes were a thing. The first and last time I wore a strapless bra, I spent most of the night trying to stop my bra from sliding off my chest. Never again.
Sweaty Boobs Are Real
A hot summers day is no picnic for the busty. Sweat will gather in every crevice and pool in your expansive cleavage. Unlike most boob truths, sweaty boobs can be somewhat remedied. Keep things under control is by using a light dusting powder like the Vanilla Puff from Lush. It smells so good and works a treat at absorbing sweat.
There Is An Art To Wearing Bras
I learnt the hard way that the old 'clasp at the front, twist round and pop your tits in' method is the least effective for bigger boobs. You are only going to end up ruining the underwire and giving yourself a friction burn. The best thing to do is put your boobs in the cups, fasten the clasp at the back and then slip on the straps. Adjust your breasts and don't forget to make sure your nipples are both facing the same direction.
Button Up Shirts Are Not For You
So you've got an interview huh? Thinking of wearing a smart white shirt? Good luck with that. Button up shirts are not designed for women with breasts. If the shirt fits your arms and waists, it will inevitably gape at the boobs. If it fits on the boob, then you are most likely wearing a tent.
They Are Your Best Friends
Despite all the kerfuffle that is big boobs, I wouldn't have it any other way. These saggy sweaty beasts are mine and I love them. They look delicious in a bodycon dress and more importantly they are hilarious. If you haven't rested your boob on an unsuspecting stranger, then quite frankly you haven't lived.